A more personal blog

A more personal blog


I don't normally post very personal blogs, and I usually don't for a reason. I am a very private person, a true Cancer you might say. This is very true. But I want to share my heart a little with anyone who happens to read this.

I think I am ready now to finally open myself to being in a relationship. As some of you know I am divorced. As these things go I experienced a hurt so deep with a loss of a Love and I don't want to come close to experiencing that again. And even though I do not want to hurt again I am willing to try. I want to meet this incredible woman who I've only met in my dreams. Not out of neediness or dependency on my part, but out of that deep desire for a love profound. That connectedness with someone that goes deeper than words can convey.

In many ways I can closely identify with the X-Files character of Fox Mulder, not only in my own passionate search for truth and answers throughout my own life, but in his incredible love for Scully. Even though it is a fictional thing, it resonates within me. I can say that I am a Mulder searching for my Scully. Not for someone perfect or blameless, but someone who is wonderful.

Its funny, even though I am not into comics or big into movies based on comics I also find myself deeply identifying with both V (from V for Vendetta) and Batman. I know that seems silly and maybe even trite, but I think its because they both have suffered deeply in life in their own ways and have sought to help the
innocent not to suffer the pain they endured as well as seeking to free the world from injustice and control. That is who I am. Unfortunately they have to wear a mask to do this and I feel that I have my own mask as well. I know that I have some gifts that are extraordinary and in some ways I hide them, figuratively speaking, behind a mask and a cape. There is a measure of comfort and security in that I think, at least for me. I do not want to hide behind a mask to protect myself, especially in a relationship. I won't make that mistake twice.

As strange as this may seem, I am publicly stepping out with this little blog. One never knows, it is possible that someday I might meet my Scully though something like MySpace. Time will tell.

In closing I just want to say that it feels good to "open up" and share something personal with those of you who graciously take the time to read my little blogs. You guys are really great.

Peace and Light,

John
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Comments from MySpace:


Moonflower:

I can truly identify with what you are saying in this blog John. This is one of the reasons why I vowed to say what I want to say in my blogs because I spent way too much energy hiding rather than choosing to honor my thoughts and feelings. Just writing my simple little blogs has cost me the acceptance of my family because their acceptance always depended upon walking around on egg shells to keep their fantasy world alive. Although I lost them I have gained so many other people whom intrigue and inspire me. Although I will always have many things I keep private I have experienced so much freedom from just opening up in my blogs,it kind of says to the world yeah this is what I think and feel take it or leave it.

Your blogs have been truly educational and enjoyable for me. I appreciate your willingness to get your messages out into the world. I always felt from the first time I saw a comment from you on Chandler's page that you were someone of worth. This is not to stroke your ego but more to say I recognize a beautiful energy about you. A flame that promises to burn for those who still need it.


~JeNeY~:

The passion you have for wanting to help 'the innocent' is amazing. I don't know if I'm 'innocent' but I was (and still am in many ways) ignorant. You have helped me in many many ways in this short time that I've known you, through your writings and your thoughtful advice. It's great to see you opening up personally in this blog.

Thanks for everything,

-Jenny